Sunday, December 19, 2010

A clinical piss-take of the movie: Black Swan

More like: "Wack Yawn"

Who ever does the genre classification for all movies ever made needs to cut-it-the-fuck-out with the absinthe IVs, the doing speed off of she-male dicks till 7am and- you know- just generally get their shit together. "Drama-Thriller" is a rather paltry definition for a film that served up at best only the implication of drama. I've had better "wouldn't that be crazy if..." sessions alone & stoned in my room. Outside of the scenes of hinted incest and implicit gore- Black Swan was hardly thrilling. B-horror movie, slash, Mega-Smash hit Comedy. THAT's what you meant, dude. And if you had just told me that this was gonna be your classic foot-fetish laugh riot at the on-set I wouldn't be verbally gutting this sad and often boring wanna-be "Requiem for a Dream" alternative universe spin off.

I don't know what Aronofsky's (By the way: Not fucking stoked that this guy is remaking Lone Wolf & Cub) intention was with the heavy-handed symbology, his (not so) thinly veiled commentary on anorexia(?) or the endless quest for perfection; but the result was a two hour long Degrassi Jr High episode. With a more convoluted plot. I don't mind a movie hinting at its own lack of seriousness- but this movie explosively cat-shits Uwe Boll proportions of stupidity directly into that perpetually confused look on your face and then has the unflinching nerve to be like: "Hahaha! Get it"? Get what? Toxoplasmosis? Poo smells so it's funny, but don't serve me a stale roasted rhinosaurus cock and tell me it's a chicken apple sausage. That's fucked up.

I will say this though: Mila Kunis is a fucking Goddess. I would Quantum Leap into the body of a blonde-haired blue-eyed 67-year old pedophile trapped in an all-black rape-asylum just to get the ever so slightest whiff of her used & discarded period panties. I can't believe I just typed that. I'm sorry. (Sorry, that I'm not sorry.) Portman? Eh. Great acting, but it doesn't distract from the utterly gratuitous CGI-effects and the "you're 4 and you're retarded- so you have to hold my hand to cross the street" foreshadowing imagery OR that David Lynchian "everybody is ugly" HD-camera filter that ruined me ever considering Ksenia Solo or Barbara Hershey attractive for the rest of my life.

I’d continue on (and on and on) about how fucking horrible this movie was but I don’t want to be the guy who’s picking through the wicked cat-BM that’s congealing on his chest. Avoid this one. Aronofsky's been fallin off every since "The Fountain" and you don't need to watch phase 3 of some jackass downwards spiral into mediocrity.